This is a letter I wrote to a woman named Lola after she asked me to describe in detail what love is. And by the way: I was very much in love with this woman.
[Update: I’ve added some additions and comments to the original letter for a better understanding]
now I want to tell you something about the real “Great Love”; not about the love between siblings, parents and their children, or the love between very, very good friends (like between you and John).
Love is an animal thing (I mentioned it several times). It’s about chemistry (especially smell), and about “feeling” in general (but especially the feeling that is caused by very close contact between the two humans); and, of course, sex (that’s the main thing, even if that’s always publicly denied). All other matters associated with love (e.g. appearance, or social rank) are insignificant and serve only as exclusionary criteria.
[Before, I told Lola that we humans are divided into two parts: we consist of the human part with its intellect and its ratio, and an animal part that is not ‘subordinated’ to the mind. This ‘animal’ is responsible for the elemental feelings.]
So it is totally clear that the animal alone decides whether it loves another person. A human with his mind has not the slightest influence on this decision, because he can’t directly communicate with this animal; it acts completely independently. The only influence a person can have on the animal is to lock it in a dark, narrow cage (you know that from your previous life).
In the other direction (from the animal to the human) however, there is a very strong communication. If, for example, the animal finds something interesting (or dangerous, etc.), it informs the human immediately. And if the animal falls in love, then there is an extremely violent and incredibly strong communication (but, as I said, only one-way).
Love can not be forced. No chance, that can never work. The animal decides completely alone if and whom it loves. That’s why it’s totally nonsensical to say “I want to learn to love this person more” if that person is not in your immediate vicinity. It doesn’t work because animals have to smell and to feel directly to make such decisions.
If the animal has fallen in love, as mentioned above, the intellect can’t do anything about it. It’s useless to say “Hey you beast, what did you do, this is a poor boy, and I’d rather have a rich guy!”. This woman could use this boy’s social status as an ‘exclusion criterion’, and decide to marry an attractive millionaire. But never she will be really happy and she will always dream of this mythical ‘Great Love’. Until the end (or until she finds the real Love, which is very, very rare).
If you’re not sure, you can try out if a person is “the right one”. The method is quite simple: you have to make sex with this person as often as possible. That doesn’t sound really romantic, but it’s the only reliable way. The animal way. After some time, there will be one of these five results:
(1) It’s not really good. More and more things are bothering me and it is getting boring. He’s a really good boy, but that doesn’t work. Maybe we will stay very good friends.
(2) This man is wonderful, he makes me laugh and cry, it never gets boring with him; he is a really great person. But: the sex is a bit difficult and not really great. Alright, but I already had better lovers. In the long run, that’s probably not the ‘Great Love’.
(3) The sex with him is and remains great. He makes me so horny, like no other man before. But never could I spend more than a few days with him; many things bother me about him. Thinking of having sex with him, makes me wet, but if I think of that person, I tend to stay cool. I could use him as the best “sex toy”, but that’s definitely not ‘Love’.
(4) This man is wonderful, and the sex with him is great. It could turn into a love very quickly. But if the animal is not really interested in him, then even in these favorable circumstances it won’t work in the long run.
(5) The animal has fallen in love with him. There’s no way against it (except the dark, tight cage).
However, once the animal has made its decision, it is love. But this love can and must be ‘maintained’. Because animals are impatient, and you have to play around with them again and again, and keep them in a good mood, otherwise they gradually lose interest.
How to handle this (not really easy) task, I tell you at a later date.
I love you.